Elegy for a Simulacrum (read: Family)

Khadija Sehar

Read and answer the questions given below carefully and with candor. You will be held fully responsible for your answers or the lack thereof, and a precise and expert evaluation will be provided to you upon pressing Finish. Any query will be directly referred to the author. 

  1. Who are your parents (give names), and do you forgive them or wish to be forgiven by them?
  2. How old were you when you realized that Mother wouldn’t have loved you if you were lesser than you are? 
  3. On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being a tightly coiled spring waiting for release and 5 being empty eyes devoid of fury or feeling, how did you feel when the shards of the broken mirror reflected parts of them? (Them here refers to Mother and Father)

1      2      3      4      5

4. Did you or did you not pick up the broken pieces of the mirror off the floor? 

Please circle one:      Yes        No

5. In general, do you think it is easier to be good parents when you have relatively good children?
Or is the ability of a parent not defined by the disposition of the children?

6. To what extent do you agree/disagree with the following statements: (mark one)

strongly agree / agree / neutral / disagree / strongly disagree

-we will never truly know our parents. they will always be familiar strangers.

-you do not have to be good / you do not have to walk on your knees / for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

-the love a parent has for their child is unconditional whereas the love a child has for their parent is conditional.

-the love a parent has for their child is conditional whereas the love a child has for their parent is unconditional.

-unconditionality is not achievable because humans, good or bad, are inherently selfish creatures. 

7. According to Wikipedia, a simulacrum is a representation or imitation of a thing or person. An example of a simulacrum is caricature; when an artist makes a drawing of a subject (human) and the likeness to the subject can be seen in the exaggeration of certain prominent features. Do you believe families to be like caricatures, with certain features/persons/elements purposefully highlighted more than others (the features/persons/elements that are given less attention could be due to shame, neglect, non-acknowledgement, non-acceptance or any other reason you see fit)?

8. Do you believe your brother to be the smudged, blurred lines in the caricature?

Please circle one:      Yes        No

9. To Mother and Father, you are: (choose all that apply)

-their easiest child

-jack of all trades

-Frankenstein’s monster

-you exist in a world separate from them; they do not understand what you are

-a perfect merchandise for them to show off

10. What is a mother but a thief of all your dreams? What is a father but one huge apology?

11. To be a monster is to be a hybrid signal, a lighthouse: both shelter and warning at once. In the aforementioned context, do you think a mother is a monster?

12. How would you describe Father (before): (please choose one)

-an erupting volcano

-someone who is always a little out of reach

-a man looking for God

-someone’s son

-your father is only your father until one of you forgets

13. How would you describe Father (after): (please choose one)

-an erupting volcano

-someone who is always a little out of reach

-a man looking for God

-someone’s son

-your father is only your father until one of you forgets

14. Do you find yourself wishing to be held by them even if the thought of them fills your throat with sand?

Please circle one:      Yes        No

15. Do you wish to undo all of it, or do you believe it to be the punishment for a monster(s)? Choose one of the two.

16. Do you dream? 

Please circle one:      Yes        No

17. Do you dream about: (choose all that apply)

-the blissful ignorance before the world turned itself upside down

-your childhood

-a meal made by Mother (except you don’t know what a meal made by her tastes like)

-a rage eating away at the cells that make up your body

-what you could’ve been 

-broken mirrors

18. Do you love: (choose all that apply)

-Father (walking away, always walking away) 

-Mother (before; haven, shelter)

-Mother (after; stranger)

-your siblings

-the treason of the artist: a refusal to admit the banality of evil and the terrible boredom of pain.

-books

-the girl that claimed to love you but threw your flaws in your face

-quiet, undisturbed nights

-laughing with your sisters

-yourself

-the youngest son (useless, scary, broken)

-the lines on your palm intermingled like a spider’s web

-God

-the house(s) you grew up in

-your hands

19. From the following, choose the ones you feel connected to:

-A father whose goodness scares you because goodness cannot exist without evil and matter not without anti-matter. 

-Walking down the stairs of your house that are littered with eggshells.

-You’re sleeping next to your mother in a moonlit room, and you are thinking how she has never touched you with love, how her love has never been free from selfishness.

-You walk into your brother’s room, and he points a gun to your face.

-You grew up always shrinking in on yourself; always docile, always obedient, never a child.

20. Do you believe some things should never be found out, and should always remain a mystery?

Please circle one:      Yes        No

21. Blood is thicker than water. 

Please circle one:      Yes        No

22. Do you believe you answered these questions honestly, or is the child who used to fracture their bones and reset them to fit in, still inside you?

23. Who are you (give name) and who do you believe, in this story, deserves forgiveness?

Thank you for participating. Press Finish to submit. This is not the end. 

References made:

*the format, as a whole, is inspired by Wolf Moon by Nina Mclaughlin

*in Q6, “you do not have to be good”…taken from Mary Oliver’s poem Wild Geese

*in Q12, “to be a monster”…taken from On Earth we’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong

*in Q13 – 14, “your father is only your father”…taken from Night Sky with Exit Wounds by Ocean Vuong

*in Q18, “the treason of the artist”…taken from The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas by Ursula K. Le Guin


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